Let me tell you a story I will never forget.
A few years ago, I was in a meeting with a senior manager. Sharp guy. Always smiling. Always delivering. The kind of man everybody in the office called “Oga, you too much.”
Two weeks later, we heard he had broken down completely. He had not slept in days. He had been carrying debt, family pressure, and work pressure alone. He told his friend, “I cannot tell anybody, they will say I am weak.”
That is the reality for many Nigerian men today.
We are breaking silently.
THE NIGERIAN MAN AND THE BURDEN OF ‘BE A MAN’.
From childhood, the Nigerian boy is taught three lessons.
One, do not cry.
Two, do not complain.
Three, provide, no matter what.
So, he grows up to become a husband, a father, a brother, an employee, a boss, and in many cases, the ATM for the whole extended family. He is expected to pay school fees, pay rent, settle family wahala, deliver at work, and still smile like all is well.
When he is tired, society tells him, “Be a man.”
When he is depressed, they tell him, “Go and pray.”
When he is anxious, they tell him, “Other men are doing it, why can’t you?”
So, he learns to suffer in silence. He laughs in public and cries in the bathroom. He posts “God is good” on WhatsApp while his mind is in turmoil. And we wonder why men are dying earlier. Why men are withdrawing. Why men are angry. Why men are making rash decisions.
It is not because men are strong. It is because men are not allowed to be human.
MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT MADNESS.
Let us be clear. Mental health is not madness. Mental health is not weakness. Mental health is not a spiritual attack.
Mental health is like physical health. Just as your body can be tired, your mind can also be tired. Just as you can have malaria, you can also have anxiety. Just as you go to the hospital for a headache, you should be able to talk to someone when your mind is heavy. But in Nigeria, we have stigmatized it. A man who says “I am depressed” is quickly labelled as weak, lazy, or not prayerful enough.
That stigma is killing our men.
I have sat in HR rooms where a man finally opens up and says, “Sir, I am overwhelmed.” And the first response he gets is, “But you are a man, you should handle it.”
No. A man is not a machine.
WHAT IS REALLY HAPPENING TO OUR MEN?
Let us be honest about the pressure.
The economy is tough. Inflation is high. Salary is not increasing at the same rate as responsibilities. Jobs are not secure. Many men are worried about losing their jobs and still being expected to provide. Then there is the “Japa” pressure. Your friend has relocated. Your younger brother is sending dollars. You are still here, struggling. You feel like a failure, even when you are doing your best. Then there is the workplace pressure. Targets are high. Bosses are demanding. If you speak up, you may be seen as not fit for leadership.
So many men cope in the wrong ways. Some drink too much. Some become aggressive at home. Some withdraw from their wives and children. Some work themselves to exhaustion. Some just go quiet.
Quiet is not peace. Quiet is often a cry for help.
IT IS TIME FOR MEN TO TALK.
My brothers, let me say this as a man and as a leader: Talking is not weakness. Talking is strength.
The strongest thing a man can do is to admit, “I need help.”
Find one person you trust. It could be your wife, your brother, your pastor, your friend, your colleague, or a professional counsellor. Talk. Do not carry it alone. If you are a leader, create a safe space. When a man in your team says he is struggling, do not mock him. Listen. That one conversation can save a life, a career, a marriage.
If you are an employer, this is also a business issue. A man who is mentally exhausted cannot be productive. He cannot lead well. He cannot serve customers well. Investing in mental health support, Employee Assistance Programmes, and a culture of care is not charity. It is smart business.
WHAT WE MUST DO DIFFERENTLY.
One, we must change the language. Stop telling boys “men don’t cry.” Start telling them “real men express themselves and seek help.”
Two, we must normalize check-ins. Do not only ask a man “How is work?” Ask him “How are YOU really?” And wait for the real answer.
Three, we must make help accessible. Organizations, churches, mosques, and communities must provide safe, confidential spaces where men can talk without fear of gossip or judgement.
Four, men must take care of themselves. Rest is not laziness. Sleep is not weakness. Exercise, good friendships, and time off are part of leadership.
A FINAL WORD TO THE STRONG MAN.
If you are reading this and you are tired, I see you.
You are not a failure because you are struggling. You are a human being carrying a heavy load in a difficult season.
You do not have to break to prove you are strong.
You do not have to suffer in silence to prove you are a man.
Speak up. Seek help. Take a break. Talk to someone today.
Because the world needs you alive, healthy, and whole. Your family needs you. Your organization needs you. Nigeria needs you.
And remember, the strongest man is not the one who never falls. The strongest man is the one who knows when to ask for help to stand again.
Yemi Faseun is Chief Talent Officer at YF Talent Partners, Founder of The YF Network, and Founder of The YF Academy. He leads talent strategy and development, partnering with organizations to attract, develop, and retain exceptional talent.
Through the Network and Academy, he has built a thriving ecosystem for young professionals across Africa and a community anchored on his core philosophy: Depth, then Height. He is a sought-after voice on Talent Development, Leadership, Personal Effectiveness and Service Excellence. From advising organizations to speaking on stages his message is consistent: be credible, be distinctive, go the extra mile, and build what lasts.
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